The Dinner Guest - Chapter 32: With the Help of Ancients

“Nothing goes as planned, even if the plans are those of a god.” The Great Spider said that to the High Priest of Compassion towards the end of the Crimean War. And, as always, the Great Spider is right.

The Great Spider’s plan to grant lasting peace and endless joy to Earth was in shambles. Odin, that second-rate deity, was meddling in affairs of mankind, the Hound of Salvation was seconds from slipping into the hands of the Mormons, and the Comely Lass of Virtue True had some sort of time travel-induced bastard midget thing. Things looked bleak.

But, as the Great Spider also said no plan is beyond hope and, sometimes, help comes from the one who seems worthless.

That’s where I come in. From age to age, those of us trained in the dead tongues have served the Great Spider by guarding the Relic, a mysterious piece of stone said by some to be the rock that David used to slay Goliath, said by others to a petrified turd of Tiamat, the many headed she-beast defeated by the Great Spider in 1434 AD.

None of that matters, thought. What matters is that the one who hands the Relic to the largest beast with in fifty leagues of a mighty river will given powers beyond any human –greater than those of most gods. But the one who handles the Relic must seem worthless; otherwise the animal will simply eat the Relic, a tragic loss for the allies of the Great Spider.

The Great Spider had called to my people and I was chosen to take the Relic and find the worthless one. When the order came, I knew exactly who I was looking for - Chick Sanders.

First, I had to shave my head, in accordance with the prophecy, and call my beloved, Muriel.

“Hey baby, I have to carry out the wishes of the High Council and save humanity,” I said.

“You have to go right now?” she replied.

Oh no, she was doing it again. I couldn’t tell if she was asking if I had to go right now or if she already understood the importance of my mission.

“Honey, you know I can’t tell when you’re asking a question and when you’re making a statement. Can’t we do this on instant messenger or something like that?”

“That would be easier?”

“Uh, I have to go.”

I jumped on my bike and rode from the Latindrome to a New Orleans office building. I ran in and looked around. Then I spotted Chick.

I approached him and said, “I’ve been reading your blog it’s pretty clear that you’re nearly worthless.”

“But I talk about myself in a self-depreciating manner. That’s funny, right?” he said, shrugging.

“Yeah, it’s my light in the darkness of modern life. Anyway, forces larger than you and I are aligning and they need your help. Take this stone and give it to the largest animal you can find.”

“Ok, I’ll see what I can do,” he said. “I mean, I have like … a lot going on right now so I really can’t just drop everything and, you know, do that …”

“No, this is great. You’ll get superpowers – you’ll have superstrength and immortality, you’ll shoot lasers from your fingers and fly over mountains. And these powers will bring about an age of peace for humanity. I’ll make this easy, elephants are the biggest animals around here and you can find those at the zoo.”

“That sounds okay. I’ll do that later.”

“You mean you aren’t going to return the Relic to the elephants right now? Audubon Zoo is really close to your office. You could walk there right now, or like, at lunch if you’re worried about getting fired from your job. No, you know what? Fuck your job, you won’t need a ‘day job’ as an immortal.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’m right in the middle of reading ESPN’s draft predictions for the Northwest Territories Minor League Curling League.”

“Really? I’m offering you immortality and the power to manipulate the very forces that control human life – powers the gods envy! Look, go throw this in the elephant cage. I’ll come with you, it’ll be easy.”

“I guess. Can I do it latter? I’ve had a really hard day.”

“It’s not even ten am yet, what’s been so hard?”

“Well, the bus was a little late and one of my coworkers isn’t as friendly as I’d like her to be. And it turns out when you just skip work for lots of days in a row you don’t get a bad grade, you get fired”

“Well …”

“Man, it just seems like everything is going against me all the time.”

“I’m offering you godlike powers, what’s going against you?”

“I don’t know, it’s just, like, you know, not my fault.”

I could see this was going nowhere. Time for plan B. “SOMOVUS!” I yelled, casting a powerful sleeping spell. Most people can’t use it because they pronounce the word using “Church Latin” phonics, not the methods and tones of the true ancients.

I looked down at the slumped body. By the time I got him to the zoo and revived him, it would be dark. I called my beloved to tell I’d have to miss our date. “Baby, this is going to take a lot longer than I thought. I have to carry a fully grown man for a few city blocks and recite some incantations.”

“You can do that by yourself?” she chirped back.

“Are you offering me help or telling me to do this without your help?” I yelled.

“You’re angry?”

“Goddamnit, Muriel.”