Our Real Wedding Vows II

It's Karl, once again prepared to air very personal information over the Internet for, you know, everyone to see.



To be fair, I was a little skeptical when Kate first pitched the idea of posting our real wedding vows, but then I figured, "Hey, it could be worse. I could have actually read them out at the wedding so all my friends would have had the chance to laugh at me."


So, here they are:



I, Karl, do take you, Kate, as my wife, and you, Abita, as my dog, to cherish and to hold for the rest of the days the great Spider God bestows upon us. I swear to give you shelter in my parents house for as long as my dad has a job overseas, and we shall build our family there on the bedrock of dog walking and fastidious attention to TV Guide and US Weekly.



In the shadow of the mighty cacti that grace the barren landscape of Tucson, I will leave my fertile seed in your respective wombs to blossom like a desert flower. Our love will flow like the water that falls from the decorative fountain in my parents home, and my diligent maintenance shall extend to our union as well. Like a tryst, the filter needs to be cleaned at times and the water drained. But I shall always unplug before I do that, so as to prevent burning out the motor.



I shall give you access to my boat and we will sail together as we chart the uncharted seas of love. Storms will rock our bow, but with you as my ballast we shall guide our craft into the safe harbor of bliss.


And event's will happen out of our control. My hot sister will undoubtedly hook up with one of my friends, maybe as soon as the reception in mere hours, yet we will survive. Abito, the evil robotic canine bent on destroying this dimension will resurface, yet we will survive. You may never finish law school, yet we will survive.

So say we all.

Our real wedding vows

Hi everyone!!! Kate here!!!!!!!

Now I know everybody at our wedding heard Karl and I profess our mutual love for each other using the standard Catholic vows laid upon us by the Holy Spider KARLTOR, eater of suns (hallowed by Her name).

BUT

Those vows are boooooooring (forgive my blasphemy, of Heated One. I shall not betray thy everlasting sunspotted trust). Karl and I wrote separate vows that were to be read at the rehearsal dinner, but I got too drunk and fell in the baked beans (Hook 'em horns!!!). Anyway, here are my vows to Karl.

"I, Kate, do solemnly swear to love and abide by Karl's iron-fisted rule. Through thick and thin, mustachioed and non-mustachioed, no matter how many dogs he wants to include as a part of his unholy harem of intergalactic space mutants with the power to read minds, destroy buildings with their barks, read Sanskrit, balance budgets, shoot laser beams out of their ears, eyes, nose, and throat, cure Alzheimer's with their saliva, and devour my shoes, hats, and other forms of haberdashered clothing items, and through the power bestowed upon us by KARLTOR, the greatest of Catholic gods. I will love you, Karl, forever and ever, and if you die before me and not by my hand, I will not get another husband for at least two years, or until the terms of your will are settled in family court and your bitch of a co-worker doesnt call dibs on your collection of Adam Ant memoribilia and collectible earmuffed Hummel figures, but if you die by my hand, all bets are off. I will love you forever through richness and....hmm. I will love your fountain and the two kids you will provide me. Any more and Abita will eat them. I love you, my love, and may KARLTOR bless our union and bring together the mightiest families this side of the Prime Meridian."

Karl will write his vows tomorrow!

Vacation anyone?

So, Karl and I might have to take a trip. If case you've been living in a cave, a new museum has opened in Kentucky.




The Creation Museum!!!

Finally, a place where we can take Abita to teach her the way things really happened!!

There are those dinosaurs!! That's an exact replica of the one Noah took on the Ark with him. I can't wait!!!

That's the great man who made the museum possible. Karl better watch out!! Sexy!!!


http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,276153,00.html

Fresh out of retirement

I was back on the beat, a month in recovery after my futile efforts to defend the world from utter devastation. If there is one thing I learned, it's that you can't stop the inevitable.

I traveled the stars to find the city of Austin, scoured the streets for the unholy Ceremony. Looked to the skies to await the End. But it never came. They were married, the sky didn't fall, and we're all still alive. For now...

I returned to the force with scattered applause. Some pity for an old hound trying to right a wrong and failed. I work with bastards. The condescension didnt last long. I came back to catch the bad guys, not get the back-slapping sycophants' nose up my ass.

Within minutes of reaching my desk, my boss, the Great Detective Smith threw a pile of paperwork down, grunting through his cigar, "Welcome back, blah blah blah, catch this perv or you're fired." Thanks, Cap'n, I muttered into my snout, go fuck your mom.

My name is Abito. I work for the Intergalactic Police. My specialty: covert operations of cataclysmic proportions. Yeah, I'm a COC-P.

This case? Routine. Some bastard goes to the remote farming planets pretending to be a holistic healer, telling them he'll heal their cat-tatle of the mysterious plague (which conveniently appears just after he arrives). He lays some stones on the beasts, sleeps with the farmer's daughter, and then runs off with their dog, after making sweet passionate love to every animal on the planet. In the business, we know this guy as a Snake Oil Skin Condom. They type of case I would cover twenty years ago in my younger days, before I earned my COC-Pness badge.

My twin sister, Abita, and I would solve these cases in a matter of days. She was great at being a dog decoy. Poor thing got caught one day and fled to some unknown land. We never caught that bastard.

Now I'm back to the basics, doing grunt work until I get back to my feet and fully recoverd. Bastards. That's what I get for trying to save the universe from future destruction. And yet Karl and Kate are still married. I need my pills.

As I look at the file, I glance at the local police sketches. Normal, slick haired look. Some guy with a mustache. But wait, I've seen that face before. Shave the mustache and you have....

Karl.

One less day until I die...

It's Karl.


I know, I know hold your applause.


I promised you the story of cleaning our indoor fountain - which is quite appropriate because as long as Lane and Becky are still here I have to fight the urge to put my head under until I hear my grandmother's voice.


No, I'll never do that. I'm sure it would get the fountain dirty and Kate would find a way to bring me back from the afterlife to clean it again.


Anyway, here's our fountain.






I know it looks outside and that's because it is. If you recall, I lost my digital camera because I was bad. So, I had to use Google images.


Either way, it's close enough. This one is actually a little smaller than the one in our entryway, so bear with me.


But fountain cleaning is a pretty standard procedure.







Oh, that's hot.



Back on track here, sorry. So, the first step is draining the water.









Oh God, you're a naughty little indoor fountain kit. I bet you like pumping yourself. Ooooooh.......

Oh Jesus...

Next time I'll tell you the story of how I cleaned up the keyboard.

Sigh

It's Karl, trying to stay sane.


Kate didn't really like my last post and took away my digital camera for a couple days. Oh well. I was probably having too much fun anyway.


But before I had to turn it over, I took a photo on my drive to work yesterday.





Yeah, life's just that cruel.


Plus, Kate's parents are in town this week. I've been sneaking away a lot to watch Everybody Loves Raymond clips on Youtube. Laughing about someone else's in-laws makes it a little easier to cope.

And, of course, some clips from the best show of them all.




*Sniff*

We'll miss you Doug and Carrie.

Check back tomorrow and I'll tell you about how I cleaned our indoor fountain.

these are not hints or nothing

Kate here.

I am not writing this post as some sort of subtle way of getting Karl to buy stuff for me. Nope. I just figured this would be a good time to show everyone what I want and deserve from my husband. You know, as a gift for me being awesome and pretty (and not making out with that hunk Scott from the PR department. Oh my, our trip to Scottsdale will be AWKWARD).

1. the IKEA PS GULLHOLMEN rocking chair

Not only do I LOOOOOVE rocking chairs, but I want my chair to look like I can take it to the honky tonk and have an orgasm on it (for once).

2. a Louis Vuitton Small Ring Koala Agenda

I already have an agenda. Now I want an agenda. Doesn't that make sense? I would have chosen something else from Louis Vuitton, but their website is soooo slow because of that stupid race. Karl told me he would enter his boat in it this year, but it's still dry docked at the Tucson harbor.

3. An Asian baby

Abita's lonely during the day. And I need to start a collection. Asian babies are like Pokemon. I'm gonna name it (him or her, it doesnt matter).....Turbodog. Or Steve (sigh).

4. This

Karl, I want a fucking yacht.

Love you!

Karl here, trying to stay relevant.

Kate and I had another funny fight the other day, so I decided to act it out using the two action figures in the house Abita hasn't eaten.

Okay, so in this Kate will be played by Dr. Satan and I will be portrayed by Jesus.

Act 1:


"Karl? Karl? Where are you Karl?"



"Here I am my lovely bride."



"Karl, what have I told you about leaving the seat up on the toliet?"



"Uh oh."



"You know I have to teach you a lesson, Karl. It's for your own good."



"This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."



"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm bleeding!!!!!!"


Marriage is fun.

It's Wednesday! You know what that means! lolz

HAIKU DAY!!!!!

In the newly christened Karl and Kate Kavern Manor in Tucson, Arizona, our budding little family likes to spend their Wednesday evenings writing haikus for each other! Sometimes, we even venture out and write limericks (those are usually reserved for the bedroom, lolz). Here's one I wrote for Karl:

You may be a man
The source of my soul, but I
Married your money.

JK!!!! that was just practice one I wrote while on a business trip with that hot guy from the office, Steve. Here's the real one.

Applebee's dinner
Tastes like heaven in grease traps
Yes I'd like more ribs.

I can't wait until I hear Karl's. Last week's was soooooo precious:

You're my human wife
Whom I love with all my life
But thanks for the dog.

Abita even wrote one!

Pet me if you must
Rub my belly, move my leg
Touch me where it counts

Awwwwwwww!! She's growing up sooo fast.

Ok, g2g, SEASON FINALE OF AMERICAN IDOL IS TONIGHT!!!!!!!11111 lolololololozz!!!! GO BLAKE!

Good News from Tucson

Here's some good news Karl saw on the Internet today.

He's joking that my "little gift" to him may not have all bad! *laffs* At least we know Abita will be safe from the plague!!

The herpes family of viruses can have a surprising upside--it can protect
against the bubonic plague and other bacterial contagions, at least in mice.

Research into whether a similar mechanism applies to humans and other
mammalian hosts should be conducted, said viral immunologist Skip Virgin at
Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis.

"There may be symbiotic advantages to chronic infections with these viruses."

Here's the link!!

http://www.livescience.com/health/070516_herpes_upside.html

Let the Games Begin!!

Hey everybody, it's Karl.


I'm trying to keep up with this whole blogging thing. Kate's all about it, so I'm giving it a try.


Well, we were just talking about the wedding at dinner and we both agreed one of our most favorite parts was a really small thing.


Our friend Pat brought a bocce ball set all the way from Florida and, boy, did we have a lot of fun using it!!

There it is!

I can't think of any free time that wasn't spent using that set. We really took advantage of it.

It was totally worth Pat putting that in his baggage and travelling with it 900 miles each way!!!!

Thankfully it only took up about 25 percent of the space in his suitcase and only weighed 10 pounds!

If we hadn't had so much fun playing with it, I might have regretted specifically calling him and asking him to bring it!

More from Tucson later!!

Don't Be Fooled by the Rocks I Got!!!!

It's Kate! Not too much to report - I didn't realize how boring married life would be *laffs*.


Well, let's see....


Karl and I went to Blockbuster the other night and rented Blood Diamond. Leo is so dreamy, especially with a sexy Afrikaner accent! LOL.

(If Karl was black, I'd totally go along with apartheid if it meant getting cozy with Leo!!!)


Anyway, at the end of the flick we realized Karl didn't ask if my engagement ring was a "conflict-free diamond." In fact, Karl thinks he actually asked for a conflict diamond. ROFL!!!


So we figured in honor of the African blood on my wedding finger, we would dress Abita up like a child soldier!!! LOLZ!!




OMG!!! She's going to look so cute!!

Uh oh *wink*, looks like Karl's going to be giving a tie to Abita!!! Hmm...anyone know where we could get a doggie-sized AK-47? LOLICIDE!!!!!


P.S. Thanks for all your birthday calls, ladies!! It was so great hearing from you!!!

this weekend is special

Why, do you ask? Because it's Kate's birthday! Congratulations Kate, you've lasted 24 years (and nearly a month married to me lolz). So, while I know everyone already had the date on their calendar, I'm going to tell the world that it's OK to give her presents. I know I will!!! And not just stuff for Abita (she'll get her presents during her weekly birthday party ;)). My plan (now Kate, don't read this next part, you'll spoil the surprise) is get us on COPS!!!! I'm going to call in a domestic disturbance call. They'll come in with their cameras and see me with my wife beater on, a trucker hat on my head, a beer stain on my shirt, a hand rolled cigarillo in my mouth, and a rolled up newspaper in my hand. Kate's nice dishes (which she thought was for dinner parties lolz) will be thrown at my head. The cops will bust in, pin me to the ground, and arrest me. As they take me away to the patty wagon, I'll jump out and yell "Happy Birthday Kate!" Then I'll probably get tasered and spend the night in jail. :( Oh well, it'll be the best birthday ever!

PS: Actual conversation I had with Kate

KATE: Karl? What're getting me for my birthday?
KARL: A wedding.