Our real wedding vows

Hi everyone!!! Kate here!!!!!!!

Now I know everybody at our wedding heard Karl and I profess our mutual love for each other using the standard Catholic vows laid upon us by the Holy Spider KARLTOR, eater of suns (hallowed by Her name).

BUT

Those vows are boooooooring (forgive my blasphemy, of Heated One. I shall not betray thy everlasting sunspotted trust). Karl and I wrote separate vows that were to be read at the rehearsal dinner, but I got too drunk and fell in the baked beans (Hook 'em horns!!!). Anyway, here are my vows to Karl.

"I, Kate, do solemnly swear to love and abide by Karl's iron-fisted rule. Through thick and thin, mustachioed and non-mustachioed, no matter how many dogs he wants to include as a part of his unholy harem of intergalactic space mutants with the power to read minds, destroy buildings with their barks, read Sanskrit, balance budgets, shoot laser beams out of their ears, eyes, nose, and throat, cure Alzheimer's with their saliva, and devour my shoes, hats, and other forms of haberdashered clothing items, and through the power bestowed upon us by KARLTOR, the greatest of Catholic gods. I will love you, Karl, forever and ever, and if you die before me and not by my hand, I will not get another husband for at least two years, or until the terms of your will are settled in family court and your bitch of a co-worker doesnt call dibs on your collection of Adam Ant memoribilia and collectible earmuffed Hummel figures, but if you die by my hand, all bets are off. I will love you forever through richness and....hmm. I will love your fountain and the two kids you will provide me. Any more and Abita will eat them. I love you, my love, and may KARLTOR bless our union and bring together the mightiest families this side of the Prime Meridian."

Karl will write his vows tomorrow!