The Dinner Guest - Chapter 19: Abito in 'Hot on the Trail'

So far this trip to Earth had turned out to be quite the craptacular time: I'd been blasted with a laser, locked up, thrown in a pit, forced to maul a warlock to escape captivity...

If I had a robot vagina, I'd be menstruating all over the shitty carpet in this drug prevention van.

Yeah, I forget to mention that. I had to infilrate what was left of this pig cop convention. I'm still a goddamn fucking robot dog cop and I stand out.

Barks McLarson - the dog fighting arson.

And I was stuck in the middle of a Miami street festival. From the back of the van, I looked across at McGruff the crime dog. He was slipping a rubber over his doggie bone.

"Shit, I don't want to see that, cocksucker," I growled, spitting out my drink.

"I'm getting lucky tonight, dog cop, and you can't stop me," he giggled.

It was true. He had immunity.

Yeah, it's a fucked up universe.

But I had to put up with it. This was the only spot that gave me an eye on that witch and warlock's shithole apartment. When she left to find sweet Karl, I'd be on her trail.

I took another long drag-nasty of grain diesel and kicked the doors open.

"El perro arsono!" they screeched.

The children poured in to see their crime prevention mascot messiahs.

"Hold them back," I screamed, but they kept coming. I looked over at McGruff and saw him folding under the numbers.

Be careful what you wish for, perv ball, I thought to myself.

One tiny boy leapt up and planted himself on my shoulders, riding me like a great dame.

"El perro arsono, should I play with mes amigos fireworks?"

I grabbed him from my shoulders and drew him to my face.

"Only if you promise to blow off your little goddamn crab claws," I cursed in his ear. I threw him back into the crowd and saw a sea of trouble.

I pulled out my gun and started blasting away.

"These are Kracken creatures, McGruff! Fight the crab invaders!" I leveled off my gun and blew the crab head off an approaching enemy.

I don't know how they tracked me down. I killed the last of them the day I traded my soul for a pack of Dorals.

The heat of the battle hit me like the warmth from my blaster gun, the sounds rolled over me. I heard McGruff yelling and the crab people screaming in their native tongue.

I gunned them down until no more stood and their crab guts oozed on the ground. I looked over at McGrufff.

"Comrade, I have defeated those Kraken invaders once again. Thank you for assisting me, brother. You'll get a good write up in my report."

McGruff looked over at me.

"Dude, you really messed up."

I looked down at the fallen crab and I only saw dead children. Rough math said 27 dead childen.

I hadn't seen that many since the time I killed 28.

"You saw the Kracken again, didn't you?" McGruff asked. "You're done now."

I turned around and blew his head off.

"I didn't dodge the Lanthanide mines those bastards left in the jungle to hear your guff about war," spitting at his dying body.

My sensors started to go off. The meter I set to track dischordant violin emissions was going off the charts. Shit, Lola was about to move.

I ran up the stairs of her apartment and burst out the roof doors as Lola flew off into the sky.

I could see her about to glance back so I dove behind a heating vent. Good, she didn't see me.

I was on her trail and Karl was the next stop.

I grabbed my ultrasonic hang glider and leapt off the roof, leaving the sound of screaming voices behind.